I question everything in my existance, as is it all pre-planned or do I have a choice in it all… I find my belief as true and yet conflicting at the same time. I know that God knows everything that can and does happen in advance and yet we have a choice, how is there a choice that we make if all days were pre planned… The choice was already known, so you followed without choice… Does everything happen for a reason…? Everything pre-planned – like a giant calculation that forms existance and we are just working it all out – day by day.

Some quotes about my thoughts from the bible:

Psalm 139:16: “Your eyes have seen my unformed substance; And in Your book were all written The days that were ordained for me, When as yet there was not one of them”

Ephesians 1:4-6 : “For he chose us in him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in his sight. In love he predestined us to be adopted as his sons through Jesus Christ, in accordance with his pleasure and will— 6to the praise of his glorious grace, which he has freely given us in the One he loves”

It is suggested in Genesis that God gave free will, a choice – for at the begginning to choose to eat or not to eat from the tree of knowledge so is there a choice or was it pre-determined as God knows all that the world would fall into darkness.

This question has always got me stuck… I’ve managed to understand the meanings in so much more, but this one – it always sticks me. Even from old and new testament both state the same style of thing… why it sticks – is it my logical mind thinking too much and trying to understand more than I should strive to do. Some people say “Everyone has a choice” and then also says “God knows everything”, and to me that contradicts itself.

I find it hard as I’m sure most people with beliefs do, and how to visualise it all.

The daily laughter and joy, the glorious weather that seems to still be here today and all that we were blessed with. There was a Lot of work to do almost all the time, but it was worth it. Felt so much, learned new things, made friends, re-connected with a lot and remembered where a joy came from I lost so long ago.

For the past week I’ve been helping steward at Spring Harvest in skegness week one. It has been an awesome week with great people coming from all walks of life together to help people as one group. A mixture of IT, Actors, Students, Builders, Teachers, doctors and more – all working together as one body.

When something went wrong, people fell in place to fill the gaps – it was brilliant. We were all tired, somewhat exhausted, by mid to end of week but the joys, the happyness around surrounded us all.

I missed it as soon as I was driving back – so quiet – nice for a bit but no laughter, just a long drive back to the northeast.

Today has felt missing, although I rested well – A whole 6 hours longer than most of the week. No huge breakfast or lunch surrounded with friends, just back to normal – not sure I like normal anymore. Wondering what I’ve learned and what is still to come.

For the first time in a long time, I am looking forward to church and actually want to get more involved again – I’ve stood back for a while, to watch how everything goes but I dont want to watch anymore, I want an active part – some way to help and keep things going.

I hope I never forget my week, and sure I’ll be friends with many for a long time yet – The team worked – like a body of Christ in litteral meaning – we came, worked different parts and together helped.

I do not want to return to meaningless life – filling it up with technology to pass the time. It is a great connector of the world, and will help keeping connections with new friends but it also gets in the way. I hope thats not the way in the future.

I awoke with words in mind, not just once but twice – in my dream I woke and wrote it down, and then re-awoke realising that I’d not actually wrote it down.. maybe it was to remind me to remember – somethings need to be said multiple times to make you realise.

When we grow up
we are all just still kids
but then in adult suits looking around

We are all multiple – not just one
He is a father, and yet a child
She is a mother, and a nurse
We are all someone, and something else

Maybe it means something, it brought a kind of peace over me and althou looking at it now seems confusing – I know that it made perfect sense.

I still never seem to know what words to use, I know of the “Lords Prayer” which is put simple a guide on how to pray – it speaks about others, self, protection, and future plans aswell as forgivness and authority and still even with the guide book I have trouble.

I’ve talked with lots of people and one friend recently told me about a “Prayer Diary” – I’ve heard of them before – not tried it but heard of it. They too struggled with prayer and what to say and have said that writing helps and often answers come to them as they write.

So a suggestion is: Write down your prayers in a notebook, and when you get answers – add them too – if needbe, number your prayers so you can know which answer is to what prayer. You may discover more of your prayers answered if you remember what you’ve said.

I know its an interesting idea – maybe one I will take up. Thanks for friends – is what I know I can pray – for without them, I don’t think i’d see a lot of whats about

The first year I attended, the topic for the week was “Everybody needs somebody”. This seemed to hit home really strongly.

I was part of a church youth group, I got on with a few people but not many, and I wasn’t close to any inparticular. I knew of Christianity and believed in it althou still with many questions. I was a mid-teenager with a lot of questions in life. I still do now but then it was really confusing.

I went there with the feeling of knowing no-one. I wanted to go to things no-one else in the group wanted too and so instead I went out and mixed. I spoke to people, people that if I was at school I would be too scared to try – but all these people didn’t know me and if they complained I’d just go elsewhere.

I will always remember meeting a few other people there – some of which I made great friends with, some I never saw again. One person seemed troubled and talked to me. I didn’t feel alone, but felt comfortable trying to help another.

We went for a walk one night, I didn’t realise i was meant to tell my youth leaders… we wandered and talked for a while and found ourselves at the enterance road and headed round in a loop. We didn’t get back til after 11pm and my youth leader was not pleased probably to say the least.

The event had a lot of loud, fast, rythmic music that was fun to sing, and join in with. We prayed, talked, were spoken too and in some times felt so much inside that it was hard to explain.

There was games on a saturday: Football, Rounders and Its a Knock out.

Its a Knock out – probably totally against Health &  Safety laws of nowadays but so much fun. Four coloured villages playing against one another in a variety of crazy games. Nothing really won apart from the Joy of beating the others.

I remember things on Sale such as a T-Shirt with the branding of Harvest, and the topic for the year and the year. Something to remember it all by except well… memories.

Well this year, I didn’t really feel ready for it but felt that I should go for it and see how it goes. I’d seen the training for it, as stewards we were put through it for the past year or so just so we knew what was happening.

The Ministry Team meant that I would be praying with people that came forward. Something that scares me really. I have enough trouble praying out loud nevermind with others. I didn’t know what words to use or what to say but hoped and prayed that the words would come.

I couldn’t be involved with a lot of the events that were on for the ministry team as it overlapped with the stewarding a lot but I got the chance to work with someone – to shaddow them basically – watch how they did it but be there at the same time.

First night, I watched – I didn’t get involved but felt pulled to the event. I was outside in the control room for stewards when I felt compelled to go into the main event and be there. I stood at the side and watched and felt a buzz inside and something telling me I had to be there tommorrow.

Tommorrow came, and I was there – It felt like something was building up but I didn’t know what. I enjoyed the main event – the talking and singing. I wasn’t a steward for the event so could be involved totally… At the end I found the guy I was shaddowing and spoke with him.. there was a call and we went forward to help.

They were talking about new people becoming christians. We had to speak to the kids and find out what they understood and then pray with them. I was quiet, and allowed my friend to speak it all with me just nodding and smiling. After they prayer was done – I spoke with them and collected info, gave booklets and things while the other guy went to help someone else.

Soon after I went looking for the guy, I couldn’t see him… but someone asked me to pray with them. I did hesitate, but said I would try to help them. I didn’t do anything fancy, just prayed and words came. It wasn’t long either but the person said Thanks afterwards and went on their way.

I found out afterwards that I got a reference back from my old youth leader and ex steward team leader to say I could do the ministry team. He told me that he believed in me which was quite awsome to hear aswell – I think i needed to hear that from a leader and good friend.

It felt odd, but kinda awesome at the same time. Such a simple task made such an impact in their lives and mine. It has got me thinking there is a lot in the Christian life thats mis-understood and easier if you try… I wonder whats next.

Even if I decide not to steward this next year, I think i’ll put my name down to be on the ministry team.

For the past 9 years I’ve stewarded at the event named harvest. I’m known on site by many in different teams and seen how the “site kids” have grown from annoying kids to actual useful team members (some of the time).

I used to bring things to attract peoples attention to me: Sweets, glowing things; now I just talk and support others however I can. Before it was about getting known – now i’m known and people just talk – some want, but those are the ones you don’t need around you.. the others that talk and support each other… of which there are many they are are ones you keep for life. Great friends

Over the past few years I’ve seen the teams change quite drastically. I’ve been there the longest now in the team for stewarding and its strange to watch. I see so many new people come in and go, many for one year and never again and some that are here year after year just like me (or catching up slowly)

Last year I was annoyed a lot at harvest, as others that have only been around a bit got selected as team leaders when I was not. They did a great job, better that I think they expected but I felt hurt I was not chosen when I’ve done the job longer than anyone else – and know how everything seems to work.

This year was much the same, still no contact that I could do anything more – I decided to join the ministry team and that was a blessing. I stood down from volunteering to doing things and did if I was asked but didn’t show initiative.

I know my place in stewarding but for how long I will continue I don’t know now. I think its time I stop – I said the same last year and went back again. This year I stood back and watched a lot more, some jumped at the chance to do security – I left them to it althou I know what to do.

There are too many changes happening now and the leadership is totally changed. I want to help the event as I know its helped shape my life but not sure if stewarding is the way to do it anymore. It felt wierd to be there still – I’m glad I chose to do something more than just steward as I would have been lost without it.

I didn’t always have the phone or people didn’t answer and walked in thought, thinking what I could write in my blog, thinking of friends and what else I could do. I came to thoughts that I could talk to God – pray – While thinking of friends I could pray for them.

I discovered that prayer – talking to God became something I had time for – I know it sounds bad but its also so true that its often hard to find time for God. When you do you seem to have more time for it all which is odd but nice.

While walking I am getting some exercise done aswell as getting somewhere – I often go to a park, sit, rest in the glory of nature or write, and draw. A time of real freedom where you accept the world around as one large plan of existance and see so much in a motion that doesn’t need to be explained as it just is.

A typical stewarding day for me:

6:30am Up and shower
7:00am Breakfast
7:30am Team Meeting
9:00am The big start – a half hour welcome to the day [non stewarding]
9:30am to 1pm Venues
1pm til 2pm: Lunch
2pm to 4:45pm: Venues
4:45 to 6pm: Dinner
6:00 to 9pm: Venue
9:30pm to 10:40pm: Venue
10:40pm: Finish or go help with others

We were staying in shared accomodation – chalets, with a full bed and heater in room and washing facilities – Nice hot shower. Not like other harvest in a tent… Very different.

Breakfast was my favorite meal of the day: Grapefruit to start, followed by Bacon, Sausages, Fried Egg, Beans and a few other things I think. Cups of tea and fresh orange juice too.

At lunch it was a roast dinner, and tea was a packed lunch. I can honestly say I didn’t really feel like snacking during the day but think that eating more earlier would be more beneficial and easier to burn off each day – could help get my health back to how it was if not better.

I went with the attitude of talk to anyone, as if they don’t like you its no loss – I didn’t know them before now. It seemed easy althou hard too – to be able to mix in with groups that came together and break up the clique area – everyone ended up in groups of their own but we also came together well and worked as a Team which was excellent.

The first night was good – we got to enjoy the final night of the last weeks event as part of the event and seeing 4 to 5 thousand people all worshiping together. There was interpretors on stage for signing and people and seats everywhere.

Music, Talk, and prayer were all there. Stories told that helped answer questions. Realisations in self that can not be put into words but an action of somethingness – a meaning within. It made sense and I know it to be right but to explain what… I can not.

I had a good night, and we went to our accomodations. I found it strange that people did tend to settle quickly. Other camps I’ve been on – the first night is when people get to know each other. I had a wonder in different events, but went to bed quite early myself – by about 11.30pm.

Well, I’m still trying to work it out but will try to just tell the story I have in my head and see if that makes sense.

Spring harvest was over the easter week of 2009. It covered 3 weeks and I was helping on a stewarding team of week 2. There was meant to be around 60+ of us, there was around 48 I think.

We worked well as a team, aswell as our mini teams too.

I went to spring harvest with one thought: What next. I’ve been stuck in life for a while wondering of direction and how to “trust in God” as people put it. I’ve been stuck wondering what direction should I take and what are the options. I’ve not seen anything, and just accepted that this is life. This is where I am.

I drove down and got lost on the way, the sat nav was a little useful not so if you wanted it for directions thou – for some reason it never thought I was on the road – I was just beside the road running parallel. It liked to tell me to take the road on my left that I had just passed with no hope of turning round so easy to say I got lost easily.

I finally got to spring harvest – the weather was awsome on arrival – the drive althou getting lost a little of the time was still nice – a light breeze with a warm but not blinding sunlight. Great driving conditions.

I arrived, I didn’t know anyone and finally found the team lounge – collected a collection of keys and passes, IDs and papers and signed in.. What next – Chat to random people… What else was I to do – I came alone.

I’m talking more but feel no-one is listening. I just get on and hope that while I try to help – they see something good in me.

It was very easy to drop back into “work” life. Although not sure I just want to fit drop in. It was a tiring day and I had a nap in the evening – don’t think i’ve eaten right as my energy levels were low.

I can do so much more, if I choose too. I feel there is so much more ability that i’ve had in life and I’ve not seen it but looking back I can.

Today has been good, a sleep in past 7am (recently been up 6:30am) so a relaxed start, delicious breakfast & felt ready for the morning, lunch was good & I rested for a bit. One of our sessions were cancelled so we got an hour to chill out.

I’ve been learning about trust – something I have struggled with since a past relationship. I’ve not known how to trust God or other people.

I’ve seen how I’ve already been trusting God without realising it. For example: Coming to spring harvest, from the north east, without anyone else, knowing no-one and trusting people will be friends and everything will work out. It has, and i’m making lots of new friends.

I think the term “Trust in God” is a strange term.. saying “Believing that God will provide for your situation” is more accurate or at least means something to me.

This evening was a challenge – to be interviewed, asked questions in front of 180+ people over microphone – I was nervious with a kinda confidance too.

Whenever I have attempted to speak over a microphone I tend to speak but no sound appears – annoying when you want to speak and kinda embarrasing too.

I managed to talk easily, openly and confidently althou scared to do it. I felt such a buzz & energy on completing.

Maybe its a part of my future – maybe a dream/vision will come true. Part my part looking back I can see that i’m getting somewhere.

I will be able to speak in front of people, teach, present, talk to youth at events & stuff – it could happen, I think I could do well at it and help in some way.

I’m liking this attitude: Try, See and acheive – I’m not looking forward to work again but and looking forward to the future and not entirely knowing actually feels good for a change.

This is a new experience to me, stewarding at Spring harvest. There seems or sounds to be a lot more happening in general than the normal harvest i’m used too.

So far, a lot of stewards seem shy and also have come with other people. I came alone, but having no problems talking with others – it is a lot easier than I recall doing before.

Its the first night and its not tents but chalets with beds and heating – very nice but people don’t seem up for socialising – they all went to bed – most before 11pm… Too early for the first or any night really.

Most teams i’ve been on previously have hung out on the first night, a time to get to know one another before working together.

I can recall times where I went to bed early but not on the first night with a new team. Maybe it will change over time – I think it will be tiring but a good time.

Bed just after midnight – a little tired, headache starting, good idea to sleep.

Over the next week, i’ll put up some of my diary entries I wrote while I was there and then some more about what I think I learned.

Overall it was a good time, and made lots of new friends. I’d recommend to people to try spring harvest, and to try stewarding – there is so much that happens in the background that no-one really realises – I know I didn’t last time I went as a delegate.