Category Archives: Belief

Not really been to church in a while

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I have not really been to church in a while, I still get involved with things but not as much as I used too but its not that I’ve grown out of it, more that I never seem to have enough time to do everything I want too.

Earlier this week I went to a friends wedding, I’ve known her for years – we met at one of the events, harvest in the north east helping with stewarding and onto different events and came good friends. I met a lot of people that were Christians and really did enjoy the discussions and chat that was going on – I’d forgotten how much I enjoy it, and got me thinking to what I used to do.

Back then, and I’m only going back about 10 to 15 years when the internet was “safe” or there was less ignorance of the dangers I used to chat online to pretty much anyone – I’d often go into chat rooms and have discussions, and forums but not something I do anymore – there is usually too much spam being broadcast too but maybe I’ll find somewhere again.

I do plan to go to church, and thats maybe the downfall – its just a plan… something I could do. I really enjoy it when I attend but the thought of do I sleep and enjoy the dream world just that bit longer or get up and go out… choices choices… I know which would benefit me more but choices… I sometimes have difficulty with.

I really got put off going at the start of the year. I had planned to go to church and take a friend while in London. I’d been to the church and when I’d been previously, it had been encouraging, lively and enjoyable… but this time – very different. Throughout about 80% of the service it was all about getting money out of people for things.

I had wished I’d left after the second installment of it, the energy was so overpowering and felt like it was squashing the life and positivity in it all. I thought of leaving, but I’d taken a friend with me and I thought… maybe its just starting up, and some of the songs were fun too but they just went on and on and on about money… I know churches need cash but there is a line between saying so, and constantly going on and on, and re-wording it to repeat it again and requesting more and more offerings from people… I’d wished we’d never gone.

It put me off church stuff, and even though I know my own church isn’t like that – the idea of it put me off… The thought that if it put me off and I was happy to go – how would it affect those that don’t often go – can’t be good

I’ve been involved loads when at Spring Harvest, and already have my name down for next year and loved it then. I can honestly say that when I surroung myself with like minded people – life is often a lot better. Still difficult but at the same time comforting. I get it from both friends of intellect and those of faith.

I’m looking at what makes me happy, and trying to discover if there is a consistant way to do it, or do I keep at life of doing lots of little things… well thats my thought for today.

Day 4 – My views on religion

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I believe everyone has a choice to believe in whatever they want too. I believe that God (Christian God) gave everyone the choice to choose – its up to everyone whether to see whats there or to ignore it.

I believe in Jesus Christ – Christianity – I don’t have a denomination just Christian. I have believed for many years since 1988. You can view my journey of belief at http://fschooliascoff.com/beliefs-journey/

I enjoy talking with people about their beliefs and why they believe what they do. Is it an upbringing or something they have discovered themselves. What has it done for them, helped them through and why is it so precious to them.

While I was at univeristy I was in a group that mixed many beliefs and went through a variety of names during the time I was there. I think its currently called “Mind, Body & Spirit” but I’ll always remember it as “Tea & Biscuits”. The many discussions with @athnor, @midnightschilde and many others there. For a while I was named “The token Christian”

Most people knew I didn’t believe or really agree with their belief but was willing to talk and not just say “Your Wrong” as I can’t really say that God gives them a choice, and then when they don’t choose as I see right, critisize them – its wrong in myself – or at least makes that much sense to me. I enjoy talking with people a lot about beliefs.

Some believe in science but science seems to be there to prove everything so you don’t need to believe in it (as you can see why) but the problem is that you have to believe science is right… so by following sciences rules, it disproves itself.

Euphoria – Friends or God?

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I can recall times of being lost within myself but totally happy at the same time. Times in worship at different things including church, harvest, spring harvest and IXth hour where everything just feels right and time – time is something that is there but doesn’t seem to pass – there is just a joy and happyness feeling completely safe and that you don’t want to end. A kind of euphoria that to be is honest and I do miss.

I watch on TV some of the things that happen on the God Channel, a channel I’m not that fond of on tv – I find that a lot of the time it makes what I believe in look silly and not serious. I find what I believe in shapes life – its not just a sunday or an event thing but something that really helps shape me, be it in how I speak, act and relate to people.

How I can encourage others, and look to their gifts in the world and see what they could do with their lives if they choose too. I think people are all amazing… some are annoying but were all made to like and not mix so well with others… but were all in this together… Someone for everyone.

When i was a child, I did not have many good friends – only around 5 in total and still today 20 years on I still have those good friends and now so many many more. Some that are so close and supportive and I feel really blessed for it and see so many posibilities for many of them.

I thought that no-one really liked me, I had difficulty speaking with people and just being myself, always trying to slightly be like others but keep my own flavour too. Always believed that I am who I am, I can try to be “like” others but thats never truelly going to be me.

Over time, I have grown thankfully… I have many friends in many diversities of life, mixing interest from allsorts from trampolining, and dancing to church or just to go out and play pool, swim or ten pin bowling. Some I can talk technical with and know that will inspire me and I them in issues that at first seem difficult and then exciting…. still difficult but knowing that others will support you in them.

I am blessed and thankful to them all. I see it as a very different euphoria with friends… I am really happy when I am with them, and talk, chat online with them. We work well together and well, enjoy it too – a true euphoric time here on this plain of existance.

Questioned Existance

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There is a lot on my mind at the moment, I worry over all sorts of little things – some that makes a difference – some that are just wierd things to worry about. I worry about money, incoming and outgoings… how will I pay for so much: Mortgage, loans, and just general maintenance and utilities. My health and fitness, along with image – and know that I am who I am from what I’ve done, or not done… I ask myself “Am I? I where I want to be in life?”

I question everything in my existance, as is it all pre-planned or do I have a choice in it all… I find my belief as true and yet conflicting at the same time. I know that God knows everything that can and does happen in advance and yet we have a choice, how is there a choice that we make if all days were pre planned… The choice was already known, so you followed without choice… Does everything happen for a reason…? Everything pre-planned – like a giant calculation that forms existance and we are just working it all out – day by day.

Some quotes about my thoughts from the bible:

Psalm 139:16: “Your eyes have seen my unformed substance; And in Your book were all written The days that were ordained for me, When as yet there was not one of them”

Ephesians 1:4-6 : “For he chose us in him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in his sight. In love he predestined us to be adopted as his sons through Jesus Christ, in accordance with his pleasure and will— 6to the praise of his glorious grace, which he has freely given us in the One he loves”

It is suggested in Genesis that God gave free will, a choice – for at the begginning to choose to eat or not to eat from the tree of knowledge so is there a choice or was it pre-determined as God knows all that the world would fall into darkness.

This question has always got me stuck… I’ve managed to understand the meanings in so much more, but this one – it always sticks me. Even from old and new testament both state the same style of thing… why it sticks – is it my logical mind thinking too much and trying to understand more than I should strive to do. Some people say “Everyone has a choice” and then also says “God knows everything”, and to me that contradicts itself.

I find it hard as I’m sure most people with beliefs do, and how to visualise it all.

Missing @springharvest Already #SH2010

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I sit around here just stopped wasting time by watching entertainment on TV – time that over the past week I’ve not even missed having a TV around. Its been Amazing, Sad, Joyful and more but so much was done in the time that was there and so many new friends made there aswell.

The daily laughter and joy, the glorious weather that seems to still be here today and all that we were blessed with. There was a Lot of work to do almost all the time, but it was worth it. Felt so much, learned new things, made friends, re-connected with a lot and remembered where a joy came from I lost so long ago.

For the past week I’ve been helping steward at Spring Harvest in skegness week one. It has been an awesome week with great people coming from all walks of life together to help people as one group. A mixture of IT, Actors, Students, Builders, Teachers, doctors and more – all working together as one body.

When something went wrong, people fell in place to fill the gaps – it was brilliant. We were all tired, somewhat exhausted, by mid to end of week but the joys, the happyness around surrounded us all.

I missed it as soon as I was driving back – so quiet – nice for a bit but no laughter, just a long drive back to the northeast.

Today has felt missing, although I rested well – A whole 6 hours longer than most of the week. No huge breakfast or lunch surrounded with friends, just back to normal – not sure I like normal anymore. Wondering what I’ve learned and what is still to come.

For the first time in a long time, I am looking forward to church and actually want to get more involved again – I’ve stood back for a while, to watch how everything goes but I dont want to watch anymore, I want an active part – some way to help and keep things going.

I hope I never forget my week, and sure I’ll be friends with many for a long time yet – The team worked – like a body of Christ in litteral meaning – we came, worked different parts and together helped.

I do not want to return to meaningless life – filling it up with technology to pass the time. It is a great connector of the world, and will help keeping connections with new friends but it also gets in the way. I hope thats not the way in the future.

A Dream – Its all OK

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Last nights dream was interesting, I recall being out with people and seeing a friend thats been ill in hospital. I’ve not heard how they have been doing althou enquire every other day. But it felt like a sign, that they are reaching out and saying its all going to be okay – I know that I pray that they are.

I awoke with words in mind, not just once but twice – in my dream I woke and wrote it down, and then re-awoke realising that I’d not actually wrote it down.. maybe it was to remind me to remember – somethings need to be said multiple times to make you realise.

When we grow up
we are all just still kids
but then in adult suits looking around

We are all multiple – not just one
He is a father, and yet a child
She is a mother, and a nurse
We are all someone, and something else

Maybe it means something, it brought a kind of peace over me and althou looking at it now seems confusing – I know that it made perfect sense.

Prayer Diary

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I’ve always struggled with prayer, and all it is about is talking to God: telling him what you’d like, your feelings etc.. What you’d often say to friends but often its asking for something or thanking for something.

I still never seem to know what words to use, I know of the “Lords Prayer” which is put simple a guide on how to pray – it speaks about others, self, protection, and future plans aswell as forgivness and authority and still even with the guide book I have trouble.

I’ve talked with lots of people and one friend recently told me about a “Prayer Diary” – I’ve heard of them before – not tried it but heard of it. They too struggled with prayer and what to say and have said that writing helps and often answers come to them as they write.

So a suggestion is: Write down your prayers in a notebook, and when you get answers – add them too – if needbe, number your prayers so you can know which answer is to what prayer. You may discover more of your prayers answered if you remember what you’ve said.

I know its an interesting idea – maybe one I will take up. Thanks for friends – is what I know I can pray – for without them, I don’t think i’d see a lot of whats about

Harvest – My Beginning Time

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I’ve gone to harvest since 1994, on and off for the first few years. Since 2000, I’ve helped on the stewarding teams with a variety of people now.

The first year I attended, the topic for the week was “Everybody needs somebody”. This seemed to hit home really strongly.

I was part of a church youth group, I got on with a few people but not many, and I wasn’t close to any inparticular. I knew of Christianity and believed in it althou still with many questions. I was a mid-teenager with a lot of questions in life. I still do now but then it was really confusing.

I went there with the feeling of knowing no-one. I wanted to go to things no-one else in the group wanted too and so instead I went out and mixed. I spoke to people, people that if I was at school I would be too scared to try – but all these people didn’t know me and if they complained I’d just go elsewhere.

I will always remember meeting a few other people there – some of which I made great friends with, some I never saw again. One person seemed troubled and talked to me. I didn’t feel alone, but felt comfortable trying to help another.

We went for a walk one night, I didn’t realise i was meant to tell my youth leaders… we wandered and talked for a while and found ourselves at the enterance road and headed round in a loop. We didn’t get back til after 11pm and my youth leader was not pleased probably to say the least.

The event had a lot of loud, fast, rythmic music that was fun to sing, and join in with. We prayed, talked, were spoken too and in some times felt so much inside that it was hard to explain.

There was games on a saturday: Football, Rounders and Its a Knock out.

Its a Knock out – probably totally against Health &  Safety laws of nowadays but so much fun. Four coloured villages playing against one another in a variety of crazy games. Nothing really won apart from the Joy of beating the others.

I remember things on Sale such as a T-Shirt with the branding of Harvest, and the topic for the year and the year. Something to remember it all by except well… memories.

Harvest – Ministry Team

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This year 2009, I joined the ministry team at harvest. I’ve done stewarding 8 years before this and at other events and it interested me last year to do it but I didn’t go forward for it – I didn’t feel ready for it.

Well this year, I didn’t really feel ready for it but felt that I should go for it and see how it goes. I’d seen the training for it, as stewards we were put through it for the past year or so just so we knew what was happening.

The Ministry Team meant that I would be praying with people that came forward. Something that scares me really. I have enough trouble praying out loud nevermind with others. I didn’t know what words to use or what to say but hoped and prayed that the words would come.

I couldn’t be involved with a lot of the events that were on for the ministry team as it overlapped with the stewarding a lot but I got the chance to work with someone – to shaddow them basically – watch how they did it but be there at the same time.

First night, I watched – I didn’t get involved but felt pulled to the event. I was outside in the control room for stewards when I felt compelled to go into the main event and be there. I stood at the side and watched and felt a buzz inside and something telling me I had to be there tommorrow.

Tommorrow came, and I was there – It felt like something was building up but I didn’t know what. I enjoyed the main event – the talking and singing. I wasn’t a steward for the event so could be involved totally… At the end I found the guy I was shaddowing and spoke with him.. there was a call and we went forward to help.

They were talking about new people becoming christians. We had to speak to the kids and find out what they understood and then pray with them. I was quiet, and allowed my friend to speak it all with me just nodding and smiling. After they prayer was done – I spoke with them and collected info, gave booklets and things while the other guy went to help someone else.

Soon after I went looking for the guy, I couldn’t see him… but someone asked me to pray with them. I did hesitate, but said I would try to help them. I didn’t do anything fancy, just prayed and words came. It wasn’t long either but the person said Thanks afterwards and went on their way.

I found out afterwards that I got a reference back from my old youth leader and ex steward team leader to say I could do the ministry team. He told me that he believed in me which was quite awsome to hear aswell – I think i needed to hear that from a leader and good friend.

It felt odd, but kinda awesome at the same time. Such a simple task made such an impact in their lives and mine. It has got me thinking there is a lot in the Christian life thats mis-understood and easier if you try… I wonder whats next.

Even if I decide not to steward this next year, I think i’ll put my name down to be on the ministry team.

Harvest – Change Yet?

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I have always loved the event: Harvest and been for several years: 1994, 1996, 1998 and then each year after. Its changed a lot over the time i’ve been there. An example is when I started they had a Creche for the kids of the staff but not anymore which is a loss. Quite a few friends can’t help anymore because of this.

For the past 9 years I’ve stewarded at the event named harvest. I’m known on site by many in different teams and seen how the “site kids” have grown from annoying kids to actual useful team members (some of the time).

I used to bring things to attract peoples attention to me: Sweets, glowing things; now I just talk and support others however I can. Before it was about getting known – now i’m known and people just talk – some want, but those are the ones you don’t need around you.. the others that talk and support each other… of which there are many they are are ones you keep for life. Great friends :)

Over the past few years I’ve seen the teams change quite drastically. I’ve been there the longest now in the team for stewarding and its strange to watch. I see so many new people come in and go, many for one year and never again and some that are here year after year just like me (or catching up slowly)

Last year I was annoyed a lot at harvest, as others that have only been around a bit got selected as team leaders when I was not. They did a great job, better that I think they expected but I felt hurt I was not chosen when I’ve done the job longer than anyone else – and know how everything seems to work.

This year was much the same, still no contact that I could do anything more – I decided to join the ministry team and that was a blessing. I stood down from volunteering to doing things and did if I was asked but didn’t show initiative.

I know my place in stewarding but for how long I will continue I don’t know now. I think its time I stop – I said the same last year and went back again. This year I stood back and watched a lot more, some jumped at the chance to do security – I left them to it althou I know what to do.

There are too many changes happening now and the leadership is totally changed. I want to help the event as I know its helped shape my life but not sure if stewarding is the way to do it anymore. It felt wierd to be there still – I’m glad I chose to do something more than just steward as I would have been lost without it.