Fschooliascoff.com

I have not really been to church in a while, I still get involved with things but not as much as I used too but its not that I’ve grown out of it, more that I never seem to have enough time to do everything I want too.

Earlier this week I went to a friends wedding, I’ve known her for years – we met at one of the events, harvest in the north east helping with stewarding and onto different events and came good friends. I met a lot of people that were Christians and really did enjoy the discussions and chat that was going on – I’d forgotten how much I enjoy it, and got me thinking to what I used to do.

Back then, and I’m only going back about 10 to 15 years when the internet was “safe” or there was less ignorance of the dangers I used to chat online to pretty much anyone – I’d often go into chat rooms and have discussions, and forums but not something I do anymore – there is usually too much spam being broadcast too but maybe I’ll find somewhere again.

I do plan to go to church, and thats maybe the downfall – its just a plan… something I could do. I really enjoy it when I attend but the thought of do I sleep and enjoy the dream world just that bit longer or get up and go out… choices choices… I know which would benefit me more but choices… I sometimes have difficulty with.

I really got put off going at the start of the year. I had planned to go to church and take a friend while in London. I’d been to the church and when I’d been previously, it had been encouraging, lively and enjoyable… but this time – very different. Throughout about 80% of the service it was all about getting money out of people for things.

I had wished I’d left after the second installment of it, the energy was so overpowering and felt like it was squashing the life and positivity in it all. I thought of leaving, but I’d taken a friend with me and I thought… maybe its just starting up, and some of the songs were fun too but they just went on and on and on about money… I know churches need cash but there is a line between saying so, and constantly going on and on, and re-wording it to repeat it again and requesting more and more offerings from people… I’d wished we’d never gone.

It put me off church stuff, and even though I know my own church isn’t like that – the idea of it put me off… The thought that if it put me off and I was happy to go – how would it affect those that don’t often go – can’t be good

I’ve been involved loads when at Spring Harvest, and already have my name down for next year and loved it then. I can honestly say that when I surroung myself with like minded people – life is often a lot better. Still difficult but at the same time comforting. I get it from both friends of intellect and those of faith.

I’m looking at what makes me happy, and trying to discover if there is a consistant way to do it, or do I keep at life of doing lots of little things… well thats my thought for today.

I believe everyone has a choice to believe in whatever they want too. I believe that God (Christian God) gave everyone the choice to choose – its up to everyone whether to see whats there or to ignore it.

I believe in Jesus Christ – Christianity – I don’t have a denomination just Christian. I have believed for many years since 1988. You can view my journey of belief at http://fschooliascoff.com/beliefs-journey/

I enjoy talking with people about their beliefs and why they believe what they do. Is it an upbringing or something they have discovered themselves. What has it done for them, helped them through and why is it so precious to them.

While I was at univeristy I was in a group that mixed many beliefs and went through a variety of names during the time I was there. I think its currently called “Mind, Body & Spirit” but I’ll always remember it as “Tea & Biscuits”. The many discussions with @athnor, @midnightschilde and many others there. For a while I was named “The token Christian”

Most people knew I didn’t believe or really agree with their belief but was willing to talk and not just say “Your Wrong” as I can’t really say that God gives them a choice, and then when they don’t choose as I see right, critisize them – its wrong in myself – or at least makes that much sense to me. I enjoy talking with people a lot about beliefs.

Some believe in science but science seems to be there to prove everything so you don’t need to believe in it (as you can see why) but the problem is that you have to believe science is right… so by following sciences rules, it disproves itself.

I can recall times of being lost within myself but totally happy at the same time. Times in worship at different things including church, harvest, spring harvest and IXth hour where everything just feels right and time – time is something that is there but doesn’t seem to pass – there is just a joy and happyness feeling completely safe and that you don’t want to end. A kind of euphoria that to be is honest and I do miss.

I watch on TV some of the things that happen on the God Channel, a channel I’m not that fond of on tv – I find that a lot of the time it makes what I believe in look silly and not serious. I find what I believe in shapes life – its not just a sunday or an event thing but something that really helps shape me, be it in how I speak, act and relate to people.

How I can encourage others, and look to their gifts in the world and see what they could do with their lives if they choose too. I think people are all amazing… some are annoying but were all made to like and not mix so well with others… but were all in this together… Someone for everyone.

When i was a child, I did not have many good friends – only around 5 in total and still today 20 years on I still have those good friends and now so many many more. Some that are so close and supportive and I feel really blessed for it and see so many posibilities for many of them.

I thought that no-one really liked me, I had difficulty speaking with people and just being myself, always trying to slightly be like others but keep my own flavour too. Always believed that I am who I am, I can try to be “like” others but thats never truelly going to be me.

Over time, I have grown thankfully… I have many friends in many diversities of life, mixing interest from allsorts from trampolining, and dancing to church or just to go out and play pool, swim or ten pin bowling. Some I can talk technical with and know that will inspire me and I them in issues that at first seem difficult and then exciting…. still difficult but knowing that others will support you in them.

I am blessed and thankful to them all. I see it as a very different euphoria with friends… I am really happy when I am with them, and talk, chat online with them. We work well together and well, enjoy it too – a true euphoric time here on this plain of existance.

There is a lot on my mind at the moment, I worry over all sorts of little things – some that makes a difference – some that are just wierd things to worry about. I worry about money, incoming and outgoings… how will I pay for so much: Mortgage, loans, and just general maintenance and utilities. My health and fitness, along with image – and know that I am who I am from what I’ve done, or not done… I ask myself “Am I? I where I want to be in life?”

I question everything in my existance, as is it all pre-planned or do I have a choice in it all… I find my belief as true and yet conflicting at the same time. I know that God knows everything that can and does happen in advance and yet we have a choice, how is there a choice that we make if all days were pre planned… The choice was already known, so you followed without choice… Does everything happen for a reason…? Everything pre-planned – like a giant calculation that forms existance and we are just working it all out – day by day.

Some quotes about my thoughts from the bible:

Psalm 139:16: “Your eyes have seen my unformed substance; And in Your book were all written The days that were ordained for me, When as yet there was not one of them”

Ephesians 1:4-6 : “For he chose us in him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in his sight. In love he predestined us to be adopted as his sons through Jesus Christ, in accordance with his pleasure and will— 6to the praise of his glorious grace, which he has freely given us in the One he loves”

It is suggested in Genesis that God gave free will, a choice – for at the begginning to choose to eat or not to eat from the tree of knowledge so is there a choice or was it pre-determined as God knows all that the world would fall into darkness.

This question has always got me stuck… I’ve managed to understand the meanings in so much more, but this one – it always sticks me. Even from old and new testament both state the same style of thing… why it sticks – is it my logical mind thinking too much and trying to understand more than I should strive to do. Some people say “Everyone has a choice” and then also says “God knows everything”, and to me that contradicts itself.

I find it hard as I’m sure most people with beliefs do, and how to visualise it all.