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I think I’ll get a bike – As many know I’ve been doing a lot of thinking in life over the last year and trying to figure things out a bit – I’m nowhere near the end of that path but would like to know where else I can go.

I remember back a few years, going out with friends in countryside and when my hayfever wasn’t so bad it was glorious all the nature around us – I really loved those days. Running through random places through the grass, and the trees – climbing, and tumbling down hills and just being happy with everything around us.

I like the idea of a bike, it will get me fitter, and give me a freedom that doesn’t involve the car. Its all great having a car, but its expensive to run and thats something I want to cut down on but I don’t want to stop meeting up with people so cycling could be an answer.

I’ve been looking at various memberships of groups like National Trust, Youth Hostals for cheap but great events that will brighten life up. I think it work out round £70 per year for the memberships then you get to and into places a lot cheaper in general or free. But there is always the travel issue and we come back to the bike idea.

I know some other friends have them too but never go out – maybe this will help motivate us to go out together and have fun times and enjoy something thats good for the environment and good for us all.

I question myself as to should I do harvest this year – a question I often ask but have always said yes.

It’s a place outside of the norm where the majority believe in God and great friendships are made. A place I can forget about life for a week and be who I want to be without the world getting in the way.

It’s the time of year for the application form to fill in and return. I want to apply but don’t know if I should. I have so many questions this year about what is real and what have I been conditioned to believe that I don’t know if I could be a useful exaple to the others there.

Sure i’d get something out of it – like the friendships and the energies (feelings) would be great but its all self gain and it shouldn’t be like that.

This year its all change for harvest – different dates, new location – maybe it’s my turn to stop even thour I know so many friends will be there and i’ll get a whole week with them. I don’t know, I hope i;ll have some answers or at least some questions by then.

We’ll see what happens.

Trapped between worlds – the awake and the dream world.

Today I thought Id forgotten something quite important, that something that could be comprimised if in fact it wasn’t sorted. I jumped up and started up things – I was out and around the area getting on with things and then my eyes saw something different.

I was in two worlds, the real world and this what was dream world and could see both at the same time, the real world was a lot foggier / lighter like an overlay and time was running a lot slower.

It was then i realised things were not as they seemed, and i was seeing outside of where I was. Nothing made sense but in a dream, what really does?

In the end I woke up. I’d been sleep actioning – I’d somehow written some emails I don’t remember writting but needed to do for a while aswell as re-organised some stuff in the room I was sitting in.

The sites of two worlds into one seemed to allow me to get things that were in my sub-consious mind but couldn’t be done in the real world done. I can now say honestly that I can do things in my sleep – but its a new one to me.

Where am I now? what is my purpose? Is there a direction? Follow where? Where am I coming from? What are these ideas that swirl within my existance.

Over the past few months I’ve been trying to understand myself, and what I feel and until now I really didn’t know how to even start putting things into words. I’m not saying I know everything yet but I have a beginning and thats where I’ll start.

I know what I feel, if thats only what I know – I don’t know what it says about me just that its what is behind the happy show I put up front.

I don’t know the point of most things anymore but realise that friendships are one of the most important things of being alive. I am very thankful of the friendships I’ve been given and those of you that read this I hope you realise how much you mean to me

I question everything now, from the reality we live in to the beliefs that have made me who I am. I don’t know what is real and what I’ve been conditioned into accepting as fact. I have to re-learn it all in a way that I search for answers rather than being told this is the right way.

Over the past few years I’ve looked into different beliefs of friends – some I agree with, some I really do not and some I can see where their coming from but dont know why they do it. Almost everyone of the people I speak too say they don’t know if their belief is the right belief but its what feels right to them – I don’t know anymore.

Back to me… I don’t know where I’m going in life – I look back and see failed times, and some victories and a very long calm – this calm is here and doesn’t seem to be leading anywhere. I’m waiting for some direction or a shove in a direction. I work by a “Show me how” and “Practice – try it out” and see where it takes me.